Sarah Ann Hall

Reporting on writing in progress or, more probably, not.

#FridayFictioneers Revisited

with 6 comments

My stories for the last two Friday Fictioneer prompts have generated confusion about content (Daisy and Jack) and helpful comments on how to improve (Waiting and Longing). Here are my attempts at addressing the issues raised.

 

Waiting and Longing #2

(Romantic fiction of 100-words)

Jess scanned the grey lake reflecting leaden sky. She checked her phone. 10am – the bench, Tom’s text read. She knew she’d been early but, at twenty past, was he coming?

Late and panicking thanks to traffic, Tom bounced down the path. In the distance the lake shimmered, mirroring fluffs of cloud in the bright sky.

A clash and clatter of stones caused Jess to turn. A scuffle perhaps?

Tom’s hasty descent kicked up a waterfall of scree.

As he steadied himself, Jess’s unease fled and her lips twitched a smile. Tom grinned, his mouth as inviting as his welcoming arms.

 

With thanks to Claire Fuller  for identifying where change was needed and Janet Webb for suggesting an alternative line. Of course, one change inevitably meant more changes had to be made …

*****

 

The whole concept of Daisy and Jack was lodged firmly in my head and not on the screen, so here is a version more in line with what I wanted to convey.

 

Autumn Departures

(General fiction, 100-words, formerly titled Daisy and Jack)

Jesse wiped the empty courtyard table, again. The old couple always arrived promptly. They’d spent the past six months working their way through the menu, even occasionally asked the chef to make minor adjustments. Something must have happened for them to be so late.

Back inside he raised his concern.

‘Jack and Daisy?’ his boss replied. ‘Oh they’re okay. They come to eat outside and watch the world rush by. They’ll be back in spring when the sun and people start cavorting about again.’

Relief spread like a warm glow as Jesse considered his own grandparents’ and their retirement habits.

 

***

 

And here’s a version for Russell Gayer who gave me a first line to work from.

 

Chair Chat

(Anthropomorphic humour, 100-words)

‘Who was that fat guy who sat in me, strained my back and ruined my legs?’

‘I don’t know what you’re complaining about. At least with fat you get warmth and comfort. I always get the boney, fidgety ones. My arms are scarred from all their tapping and scratching.’

‘But you don’t need your legs straightening, or your back reinforcing.’

‘My arms need polishing.’

‘Which will be warm and comforting. I’ve got to be stretched and bashed back into shape.’

‘I’m covered in splashes. All their flesh protects you from those.’

‘It always has to be about you, doesn’t it?’

*****

 

Thank you to all my fellow Fictioneers and others who read and comment on my stories each week, giving me things to think about and the opportunity to improve.

 

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Written by Sarah Ann

November 3, 2014 at 3:13 pm

6 Responses

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  1. […] (A revised version of the story can be found here.) […]

  2. […] (A revised version of my story, taking into account comments below, can be found here.) […]

  3. I had to laugh at the first line on that last one! So many possibilities with that one. I remember both of the rewrite stories. The situation on the second the one is a lot clearer.

    jannatwrites

    November 4, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    • I know. That first line is great – why didn’t I come up with it? Thanks for letting me know the second one worked this time – definitely a case of needing to tell instead of showing.

      Sarah Ann

      November 5, 2014 at 2:41 pm

  4. All three were well done. I liked the pacing of the first one, the build up of tension. The second one, with the waiter, I was sure something had happened, and was glad it had not.

    The third was just hilarious!

    Tina

    November 4, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    • Thank you 🙂 It’s good to hear you got something from each of the stories – especially as they appear here without their prompts.
      The last one was a lot of fun to write. It goes to show that sometimes we need a little help from our friends – the first line was a gift from fellow FFer Russell.

      Sarah Ann

      November 5, 2014 at 2:40 pm


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