Sarah Ann Hall

Reporting on writing in progress or, more probably, not.

#FridayFictioneers – 31/10/14 – Daisy and Jack

with 26 comments

Every Wednesday Rochelle Wisoff-Fields publishes a photo prompt to inspire writers to write 100-words of flash fiction or poetry.

At any point during the following week, the Friday Fictioneers post their 100-word tales. Read the other stories by clicking below.

 

I’m not at all happy with my piece this week. I’ve left it, edited, left it again, edited, but I can’t get it to work. Maybe I need to change narrators? Any and all advice gratefully received.

(A revised version of the story can be found here.)

Thanks to Rochelle for hosting and Melanie for the photo.

 

Copyright-Melanie Greenwood

Copyright-Melanie Greenwood

 

Daisy and Jack

(Genre: General Fiction, 100-words)

‘It’s gone two. Something must have happened.’

Jesse had been pacing for an hour.

‘We won’t see them now until Easter,’ I said, refilling the coffee machine.

‘How do you know?’

‘Because it’s the same every year. They arrive with the sun and blow out with the winds.’

‘What will they eat?’

‘Porridge with fruit for breakfast,’ I said ‘Maybe a sandwich for lunch. And they’ll take turns creating something wonderful for dinner.’

He stared, eyes dubious.

‘You’ve served them every day this summer,’ I shrugged. ‘Didn’t you talk to them?’

‘Well, yeah. But I obviously didn’t listen hard enough.’

 

Friday Fictioneers

 

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Written by Sarah Ann

November 1, 2014 at 8:47 pm

26 Responses

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  1. How often is it that we all realize we “…didn’t listen hard enough.”
    I think this piece works but I am also intrigued by the idea of retelling the story from Jesse’s POV (I am assuming that Jesse is the server and not the coffee filler). It would have to be a separate prompt but the different perspective could render a whole different story.

    tnkerr

    November 1, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    • Sorry – a separate ‘post’ not prompt.

      tnkerr

      November 1, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    • I’m not sure I can get into Jesse’s head – the fact that he thinks customers might starve just because they aren’t visiting their local cafe all winter is a really weird place to be. Yep, Jesse’s the server not the coffee filler – I struggled with tags this week too. But I’ll try a revised post….

      Sarah Ann

      November 2, 2014 at 9:59 pm

  2. Hi – I see what you mean Sarah – the dialogue is great, natural & well written, but I’m not sure where this piece ends up.

    I’m a bit sleep deprived – I might have to give it another go after a coffee 🙂
    Cheers
    KT

    wildbilbo

    November 1, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    • Thanks KT – good to know some of it works, and it is good to hear when dialogue works. I don’t think it’s your sleep deprivation causing the problem, and I can’t claim that reason this week either.

      Sarah Ann

      November 2, 2014 at 10:01 pm

  3. It’s intriguing, Sarah. I love a lot of the language and dialogue. I want to run with it, but I’m not sure where? I feel I must be missing something, but I’m a bit dense today! Why won’t we see them until Easter?

    Amy Reese

    November 2, 2014 at 1:17 am

    • Hi Amy. You’re not being dense – I’m not writing well. We won’t see Daisy and Jack until Easter because in the northern hemisphere it’ll be too cold to sit outside to take coffee and cake. The idea is they’ve been there every day for lunch through summer. Not enough words, too many characters, but at least I recognised it didn’t work to start with. Thanks for the read and comment.

      Sarah Ann

      November 2, 2014 at 9:50 pm

  4. Sorry darling I’m with the other readers, just a little lost in translation 😦 but in saying that, it’s all the individual interpretation isn’t it. xx

    ramblingsfromamum

    November 2, 2014 at 6:44 am

    • I think I needed to dump the first idea and start again rather than sticking with it. There is no translation just confusion! Thanks for the read. S x

      Sarah Ann

      November 2, 2014 at 9:51 pm

  5. No, doesn’t work for me either. At the third reading I got it that they were restaurant workers rather than somebody expecting people for dinner, but I don’t know why it’s important for Jesse to know what they will eat, and if it is, why hasn’t he been listening to them? I’ve often found when a story isn’t working, that I can revive it by changing the POV.

    Sandra

    November 2, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    • I think I just need to ditch the story rather than change POV. Daisy and Jack have been having lunch at their local cafe all summer and poor Jesse, our none too bright server, worries they won’t eat now – obviously no one cooks for themselves anymore. The empty chairs gave me the idea of a missing couple, but only temporarily missing. Needed to tell this story rather than try to show it I think.

      Sarah Ann

      November 2, 2014 at 9:54 pm

      • I think that’s why we tend to see a lot of stories told in dialogue on FF. It’s so hard to ‘show’ in 100 words. It’s a nice idea though.

        Sandra

        November 3, 2014 at 7:57 am

  6. Dear Sarah Ann,

    I guess I’m not the only one. It wouldn’t be fair to you to pretend that I did understand. :(. Sorry.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    rochellewisoff

    November 2, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    • Thanks Rochelle. There was too much in my head and not enough on the page. I read advice this week that said, if something isn’t working cut your favourite line, and I think that’s what I needed to do. If I chuck out the breakfast, lunch, dinner line, which takes up so many words, I’d have room to explain a little more. So back to the drawing board with this one.

      Sarah Ann

      November 2, 2014 at 9:56 pm

  7. At least you gave it a good go! Sometimes it’s good to just “out it out there” and see. Alicia

    aliciajamtaas

    November 2, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    • K. I meant “put it out there.” Gotta’ start wearing my reading glasses.

      aliciajamtaas

      November 3, 2014 at 4:38 am

      • (I’m avoiding the reading glasses by upping the font size on screen.) It was good to receive confirmation that this didn’t work. Sometimes people tell me the things I don’t think work do, but not often. And I’ve had another go now I’ve given myself a bit of time and read what others thought. That’s why comments are so useful.

        Sarah Ann

        November 3, 2014 at 3:18 pm

  8. I think there’s more story here than 100 words allows. I’m left wanting to know more – why Jesse is concerned, or why he thinks they won’t eat where every they end up. I like the line about arriving with the sun and blowing out with the winds.

    jannatwrites

    November 3, 2014 at 4:39 am

  9. Dear Sarah Ann, Don’t be so hard on yourself – I had trouble coming up with something stupid. What I did get out of it is “How many times do you hear something and you weren’t quite listening to the person that was talking so you say “Excuse me, I’m sorry, or I didn’t catch that, or worse yet – pretend you did. Have a good week! Nan 🙂

    Nan Falkner

    November 3, 2014 at 8:48 am

    • Thanks for making me smile. Ah yes, pretending you heard and understood and getting completely the wrong end of the stick. Now there’s a story. 🙂

      Sarah Ann

      November 3, 2014 at 3:21 pm

  10. I’m with Nan. This was a challenging prompt for many of us. Here’s what I suggest–make the chairs (and/or table) the characters and let them carry the dialogue. Who was that fat guy that sat in me, strained my back and ruined my legs? Maybe by Easter he will have lost a few pounds.

    rgayer55

    November 3, 2014 at 12:46 pm

  11. […] stories for the last two Friday Fictioneer prompts have generated confusion about content (Daisy and Jack) and helpful comments on how to improve (Waiting and Longing). Here are my attempts at addressing […]

  12. I read this story and the amended story via the link and I actually prefer the rhythm of this version. Maybe the characters and scenario just needed a little longer than 100 words? Or maybe it’s just my taste to leave things a little open-ended 🙂

    Blake

    November 7, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    • I think the characters needed more than 100-words but open-ended is good as well, as long as there’s some sense, some direction for the imagination to go. I’m just not sure there is with this much woolliness to the story 🙂

      Sarah Ann

      November 7, 2014 at 4:42 pm


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