Sarah Ann Hall

Reporting on writing in progress or, more probably, not.

#FridayFictioneers – 24/10/14 – Waiting and Longing

with 32 comments

Every Wednesday Rochelle Wisoff-Fields publishes a photo prompt to inspire writers to write 100-words of flash fiction or poetry.

At any point during the following week, the Friday Fictioneers post their 100-word tales. Read the other stories by clicking below.

 

Having read romantic fiction this week for research purposes, I decided to try my hand at some – not terribly successfully methinks. I’ve also been reading about emotion affecting how characters perceive their surroundings, so had a play with that too. All comments – especially the critical ones – gratefully received.

(A revised version of my story, taking into account comments below, can be found here.)

Thank you to Rochelle as ever for hosting and The Reclining Gentleman for this week’s photo.

 

 

 

Waiting and Longing

(Genre: Romantic Fiction; 100-words)

Jess surveyed the grey lake reflecting blanket cloud. She checked her phone. 10am – the bench, Tom’s text read. She knew she’d been early but, at twenty past, was he coming?

Late and panicking thanks to traffic, Tom bounced down the path. In the distance the lake shimmered, mirroring fluffs of cloud in the bright sky.

A clash and clatter of stones caused Jess to turn. A scuffle perhaps?

Slipping in haste, Tom let forth a waterfall of scree.

As Tom straightened, Jess’s unease fled and her lips twitched a smile. Tom grinned, his mouth as inviting as his welcoming arms.

 

Friday Fictioneers

 

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Written by Sarah Ann

October 25, 2014 at 10:05 am

32 Responses

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  1. This is lovely. I like how you show the two perspectives, and how you’ve incorporated the setting and weather to mirror their feelings. Great little details too – I can just see him trying to recover his dignity after slipping. Satisfying ending. Very romantic.

    Margaret

    October 25, 2014 at 11:56 am

    • Thank you for your wonderful comment Margaret. You picked up on everything I was trying to achieve, so that makes me really pleased. 🙂

      Sarah Ann

      October 25, 2014 at 4:13 pm

  2. Romance can stumble and fall, but love conquers all. I think. Randy

    The Writer's Village

    October 25, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    • Oh Randy, you always sum up so well. Thanks for the read and making me smile.

      Sarah Ann

      October 25, 2014 at 4:14 pm

  3. Nicely done – lots of different emotions depicted here. Fleeting but very effective. I’ve no eye for the Romance genre but I like this piece.

    tnkerr

    October 25, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    • Thanks Thom. I’m not sure I have the pen or eye for romance either. I tend to read it as if it’s all light and fluffy. Still, it’s good to push ourselves once in a while and try something different. I’m happy you like this and that the differing emotions came across.

      Sarah Ann

      October 25, 2014 at 4:16 pm

  4. I love how they both see the lake differently – perhaps one an optimist, the other a pessimist. And I like how Tom nearly tripping, almost upset the rendezvous. My only minor comment (only since you asked for them) would be ‘Tom let forth a waterfall of scree’. Let forth makes it sound like it might come from his mouth, or even elsewhere! I know you don’t mean that, but it didn’t quite work for me.
    Claire

    Claire Fuller

    October 25, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    • I think Jess is used to being stood up, or expects to be, whereas Tom is very keen. Thanks for the comment re: let forth (I love useful criticism!). You’re right and ‘kicked up’ (although, can you kick up a waterfall?) would fit the action and imagery much better. Thank you.

      Sarah Ann

      October 26, 2014 at 2:03 pm

  5. I liked this little vignette of life. A lot happening in these 100 words.

    subroto

    October 25, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    • Thanks. I worried that too much was happening so good to know you liked it.

      Sarah Ann

      October 26, 2014 at 2:58 pm

  6. I also like the two different points of view – one rather upbeat (Tom) the other downcast (Jess).

    aliciajamtaas

    October 26, 2014 at 12:58 am

    • Jess is one of life’s worriers and Tom more happy-go-lucky. I hoped to reflect that in the way they see the world around them. Thanks for reading.

      Sarah Ann

      October 26, 2014 at 2:59 pm

  7. Romantic and nicely written! I loved the way you wrote two different perspectives. I’m glad he didn’t roll head over heels into the lake. Great story! Nan 🙂

    Nan Falkner

    October 26, 2014 at 4:51 am

    • Thank you Nan. I wasn’t sure trying to squeeze two perspectives into 100-words was going to work, so it’s good to know it did.

      Sarah Ann

      October 26, 2014 at 2:58 pm

  8. I’m glad she hung around for him, I don’t think she would have waited much past half an hour over. I liked “bounced down the path”, he was obviously quite desperate to get there in time!

    draliman

    October 26, 2014 at 5:51 am

    • That’s interesting. I imagined her waiting until after lunch, getting ever more despondent. Am glad the bouncing reflected his keenness to get there.

      Sarah Ann

      October 26, 2014 at 2:57 pm

  9. Dear Sarah Ann,

    I love the visuals in this story. Tom sounds like a keeper. 😉

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    rochellewisoff

    October 26, 2014 at 10:42 am

    • Hi Rochelle,
      That’s good to hear as I was trying to work on visuals and setting this week. And, yeah, I think Tom’s a catch.

      Sarah Ann

      October 26, 2014 at 2:51 pm

  10. I very much enjoyed this – I always feel the weather is a character in itself (herself?!) I particularly liked the clash and clatter, and the waterfall of scree. 🙂 Love Tom’s bouncing too 🙂

    • Weather can be a character, but Elmore Leonard said never open a book with the weather as the first of his 10 rules of writing. I’m glad you liked the noises – I liked those too. You never can tell if what you write will be heard by others.

      Sarah Ann

      October 27, 2014 at 7:15 pm

  11. Sweet… this is so nice.. not disasters just a little late and an embrace.. so much closer to life than what we usually write here…

    Björn Rudberg (brudberg)

    October 26, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    • Thanks Björn. I’m glad you like it. We Fictioneers do tend to go for the misery-laden or fantastical sides of life quite often. It’s good to know normal can still be enjoyed.

      Sarah Ann

      October 27, 2014 at 7:33 pm

  12. Romance and embarrassment go hand in hand, I think 🙂 I’m glad this one has a happy ending (or what I think will be a happy ending.)

    jannatwrites

    October 27, 2014 at 4:28 am

    • I think this’ll have a happy ending too. They have managed to make it to their first date, so it’s all going to work out from now on.

      Sarah Ann

      October 27, 2014 at 7:44 pm

  13. I think Tom was a bit nervous, perhaps?! I felt the release in the last line there, and that there were happy to be close. He made it, now they could be near each other. I like the focus on the mouth. Good call, Sarah. Nice one!

    Amy Reese

    October 27, 2014 at 5:25 am

    • Thanks Amy. Glad to hear you felt release in the last line – I think Jess was a little tense, not sure about Tom – think he might be just clumsy. Very happy you liked it 🙂

      Sarah Ann

      October 27, 2014 at 7:47 pm

  14. You did well, Sarah. I agree with Claire about the scree. “Slipping in haste” doesn’t sound quite right to me. I don’t know what your word count is, but maybe “Tom’s hasty descent kicked up a waterfall of scree.” This has one less word but seems clearer to me.

    In your opening sentence, “the grey lake reflecting blanket cloud” is a bit confusing. “Jesse surveyed the reflection of the cloud bank in the grey lake” makes a bit more sense to me. Or “the grey lake reflecting the blanket of clouds.” What do you think?

    janet

    sustainabilitea

    October 27, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    • Thank you Janet for all those suggestions – I’m mulling them over. I was at 100-words so if I save one with Tom’s descent could fiddle around with the blanketing cloud. This might be a UK-US language thing as ‘blanket cloud’ is a common expression in the UK, as well as being a too frequent occurrence.

      Sarah Ann

      October 29, 2014 at 8:33 pm

      • Ahh, that makes sense. I’m fairly conversant with UK speak but not with that one. 🙂

        sustainabilitea

        October 29, 2014 at 8:51 pm

  15. You’re getting mushy on me, Sarah Ann. I almost reached for my hanky when that lump came up in my throat. I do agree with Janet about the “grey lake reflecting blanket” line. But overall, you did a great job conveying the sentiment of the moment.

    rgayer55

    October 29, 2014 at 1:48 am

    • Sorry Russell for going all mushy (what would you prefer to read?) but it’s good to know I had you reaching for your hanky (she sighs and her heart flutters). 🙂 Am thinking about blankets and how to change them.

      Sarah Ann

      October 29, 2014 at 8:35 pm

  16. […] generated confusion about content (Daisy and Jack) and helpful comments on how to improve (Waiting and Longing). Here are my attempts at addressing the issues […]


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