Sarah Ann Hall

Reporting on writing in progress or, more probably, not.

Twisted Inheritance – #gargleblaster177

with 36 comments

 

When Dad died, Tim offered Aggie the attic.

Soporific lavender, cloying roses, mouldering leaves, whispering wind and hissing rain all leaked in.

Scent and susurration soothed her soul.

Bales of blankets bolstered her body.

Fresh air ensured she saw her brother out.

 




 

 

 

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Written by Sarah Ann

September 1, 2014 at 5:21 pm

36 Responses

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  1. The language you use in this short piece is so beautiful. This, especially: “Soporific lavender, cloying roses, mouldering leaves, whispering wind and hissing rain all leaked in.

    Scent and susurration soothed her soul.”

    Loved it!

    karenspillingwords

    September 1, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    • Thank you. Those were the lines I worked on longest – trying to get the right sense and feel of them. It’s a balance trying to tell a story in 42-words and play with language. Hopefully this piece has it right.

      Sarah Ann

      September 1, 2014 at 9:13 pm

      • Absolutely.

        karenspillingwords

        September 2, 2014 at 4:08 pm

  2. “Soporific lavender, cloying roses, mouldering leaves, whispering wind and hissing rain all leaked in.” Such perfect descriptions! You did a really nice job with this.

    Jen

    September 1, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    • Thanks, Jen. I like it when the word perfect is applied to my work. Seriously though, it’s great to know when a line really hits home, so thank you.

      Sarah Ann

      September 3, 2014 at 7:45 pm

      • It did I loved it!

        Jen

        September 4, 2014 at 3:07 am

  3. Love this!

    abugandabee

    September 1, 2014 at 10:37 pm

  4. I was drawn to the sporific lavender line, too. I love the alliteration in the third and fourth lines – so subtle I didn’t realize it at first (I just noticed how they flowed so beautifully πŸ™‚ )

    jannatwrites

    September 1, 2014 at 10:41 pm

    • Thanks, Janna. The alliteration was so subtle that I didn’t notice it at first, at least in the ‘scent’ line. When I did, I went for it, hence ‘piles of blankets supported..’ morphed into the line above.

      Sarah Ann

      September 3, 2014 at 6:57 pm

  5. “Soporific lavender, cloying roses, mouldering leaves, whispering wind and hissing rain all leaked in.” Very vivid, Sarah! Great response to the prompt.

    theinnerzone

    September 1, 2014 at 11:43 pm

    • Thanks. I’m glad you like that line – I wondered if it was too long. I’m still wondering if there should be a comma before the ‘all’.

      Sarah Ann

      September 3, 2014 at 7:11 pm

      • I’d put a comma to collect all the phrases in one and all in the next. But I am not an expert, since English is my second language πŸ™‚

        theinnerzone

        September 3, 2014 at 7:22 pm

      • Your suggestion makes sense to me and is what I was thinking. English is my first language and I’m not an expert. There are rules of grammar and punctuation, but as with with most things, not everyone agrees on them. I read a book recently that made two stipulations which were reversed by someone on the radio this week. I give up.

        Sarah Ann

        September 3, 2014 at 8:23 pm

  6. You make great use of literary devices! Great job!

    Melanie L.

    September 2, 2014 at 12:22 am

  7. My condolence

    >

    Yoshiko

    September 2, 2014 at 3:16 am

  8. I believe this is perfect.

    tnkerr

    September 2, 2014 at 4:22 am

  9. You nailed the lavender and roses line. Love the title, and the last line : )

    KymmInBarcelona

    September 2, 2014 at 9:54 am

    • Thanks Kymm. I wondered later if the title should have ‘Belated Inheritance,’ because she got her dues in the end.

      Sarah Ann

      September 3, 2014 at 6:59 pm

  10. I think I’d ask for a 2nd opinion on the Will contents πŸ™‚ great imagery. S.

    ramblingsfromamum

    September 2, 2014 at 11:13 am

    • I wonder who accompanied Dad to the solicitor’s office that’s for sure. πŸ™‚

      Sarah Ann

      September 3, 2014 at 7:00 pm

  11. Oh. My. Goodness. The words. I love the alliteration, but especially your use of “cloying,” “mouldering,” and “hissing.”

    Jennifer G. Knoblock

    September 2, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    • Thank you. I had the mouldering, but have to admit cloying and hissing were later additions. I started off with night-scented stocks instead of roses – they do have a powerful perfume at night – but they took up too many words.

      Sarah Ann

      September 3, 2014 at 7:02 pm

  12. I can almost feel the cloying, smothering dampness! What a vivid picture you painted. The alliteration is great πŸ™‚

    Silverleaf

    September 2, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    • Thanks, that’s wonderful to hear but I hope you’ve found some fresh air since.

      Sarah Ann

      September 3, 2014 at 7:10 pm

  13. Fantastic! Love how rich your word choices are. πŸ™‚

    Suzanne

    September 2, 2014 at 5:50 pm

  14. You’ve elegantly captured being in the house of a person who has passed on. The smells of the elderly. My brain added lilac-scented decorative bath soaps to the scene because that is what I remember of my grandmother’s house.

    inNateJames

    September 2, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    • Thanks, Nate. Thankfully Aggie only had the attic as now you got me thinking various talcum powders and lily-of-the-valley hand cream in the bathroom (amongst other things).

      Sarah Ann

      September 3, 2014 at 7:08 pm

  15. Wonderful alliteration — you make it sound so natural.

    Meg

    September 2, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    • Wow, thank you. The ‘s’ line formed itself and one I noticed I forced the ‘b’ line to follow. Very happy to hear they both felt natural though. πŸ™‚

      Sarah Ann

      September 3, 2014 at 7:04 pm

  16. This was beautifully captured with your words. I have to agree…I think this is perfectly done.

    Kathy Combs (@Kathy29156)

    September 3, 2014 at 2:24 pm


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