Sarah Ann Hall

Reporting on writing in progress or, more probably, not.

#FridayFictioneers – 9/5/14 – Love

with 27 comments

Every Wednesday Rochelle Wisoff-Fields publishes a photo prompt to inspire writers to write 100-words of flash fiction or poetry.

At any point in time during the following week, the Friday Fictioneers post their 100-word tales. Read the other stories by clicking below.

 

I’m stuck. Nothing I ever write works straight off. I leave, re-read, then edit. I have left the below, waiting for the necessary changes to grow and become obvious. They haven’t. I am loath to publish anything I haven’t attempted to polish or tinkered with. But I missed last week and I’m away this weekend and unsure of my Internet access, so I need to post now or I’ll miss two weeks and that’s a bad habit to begin. Of course I couldn’t come up with a title either.

Please let me know if this is awful – where the holes are, what works and what doesn’t. And I’ll follow up all comments when I’m back online.

 

Copyright -B. W. Beacham

Copyright -B. W. Beacham

 

 

Love (100-words)

All is calm. One last swell and she is gone.

She swam and played here as a child; died here a young women. This place will be forever her.

Above the stillness, waves shush and trees whisper. They and the keening gulls witnessed her last moments as she fought for breath; legs and arms thrashing uselessly against the riptide.

A mother should never bury her child, so I haven’t. She floats and sinks and swims in the eddies of this place she loved. And I come here to be with her and those that saw her last moves, floating facedown.

 

Friday Fictioneers

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Written by Sarah Ann

May 9, 2014 at 8:45 pm

27 Responses

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  1. I think it works very well, very moving. I’m not sure I like the phrase “waves shush” and “floating facedown” at the end sounds grisly, but perhaps that’s what you meant. But otherwise, very good!

    • Thanks Perry. Grisly wasn’t quite what I was going for, shocking perhaps. Will have a think about waves shushing. I was looking for something gentle and soft to describe them. I’ve used ‘waves breathe’ before, but don’t think that works here. Thank you for the suggestions.

      Sarah Ann

      May 10, 2014 at 8:43 am

  2. To me this works well … the story of sadness of those waves consuming her.. just an idea connected to Perry’s that the grizzly contrasting the tender… maybe you could refer to her as an Ophelia … (this was just because you asked for suggestions .. I think the story was excellent)

    • Many thanks, Björn. Excellent indeed! Ophelia she is then. Will re-work the story once I’m reunited with a proper keyboard. And suggestions are always welcomed! 🙂

      Sarah Ann

      May 10, 2014 at 8:45 am

  3. I think this is quite good, Sarah. And I applaud you for writing even when it doesn’t come. Just read mine. You will feel better! Seriously, I liked waves shushed. I could hear that and feel that at once. This is absolutely chilling.

    Amy Reese

    May 10, 2014 at 12:57 am

    • I do feel better for reading your story, but not in the way you implied. Yours was fun and imaginative. I seem to be in a bit of misery-rut – with my writing only thankfully.
      I’m glad you liked waves shushed and that it worked, but what word could we use instead to please Perry?

      Sarah Ann

      May 10, 2014 at 9:00 am

      • I’m glad you liked my story. I knew there could be so much to say about this prompt, but I just couldn’t pull anything else out. Some weeks are like that! I’m just glad you wrote, because you like you said, you can start to get in the habit of not doing it.
        I’ve given it a lot of thought and these ideas don’t all result in the same thing: withdrew, conversed, murmured, surrendered, quieted, calmed, dreamt (or dreamed), cried. What do you think?

        Amy Reese

        May 10, 2014 at 10:59 pm

      • Murmured may be? I couldn’t think of another word that includes the sound of the waves and their actions. Thank you for thinking hard and coming up with all those suggestions! 🙂

        Sarah Ann

        May 15, 2014 at 2:36 pm

      • Anytime! It was fun.

        Amy Reese

        May 15, 2014 at 5:03 pm

  4. Hello Sarah, for what valued information I can offer. The only parts I would change is leave it at floating on the last line, there is enough information to tell us what happened. Also just the tide not riptide as I feel that detracts from the flow. Apart from that, very nicely done. x

    ramblingsfromamum

    May 10, 2014 at 7:13 am

    • Hi Jenny, and thank you. Just floating seems even worse – for packing a punch I mean. Got shivers just thinking about it. 🙂 Hope all’s good with you. Your posts are sitting in my inbox waiting for a free day – will catch up soon.

      Sarah Ann

      May 10, 2014 at 8:38 am

  5. Dear Sarah Ann,

    You’ve captured the mother’s grief well. “A mother should never bury her child…” This made me shiver. I’ve nothing really to offer in the way of concrit. This one made my “mommy heart” hurt.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    rochellewisoff

    May 10, 2014 at 11:03 am

    • Thank you Rochelle. I’m pleased my words affected you. I often find I react to a story emotionally, which leaves me no room to make any useful comment on the writing of it.

      Sarah Ann

      May 15, 2014 at 2:31 pm

  6. Grief captured well. as Rochelle so aptly stated. Nicely done.

    Shandra

    May 10, 2014 at 2:32 pm

  7. Every adult’s nightmare, whether a parent or not. Well done.

    Sandra

    May 11, 2014 at 3:34 pm

  8. I can totally relate to waves shushing, have used that in my own writing because it gives the in-out sound of waves a gentle tone. So, after the horror of death, shushing seems to be a great contrast.

    aliciajamtaas

    May 12, 2014 at 4:03 am

    • It’s the noise and movement combination that I think makes shush the perfect word. Thanks for reading.

      Sarah Ann

      May 15, 2014 at 1:11 pm

  9. Sarah Ann, A nightmare for a parent, but well written. Young people do die that way. I learned from my son recently that a friend of his, a young man I knew, had died like that. Well done.

    patriciaruthsusan

    May 12, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    • Yes, a nightmare for any parent, and something no one else can feel or comprehend unless they too experience it.

      Sarah Ann

      May 15, 2014 at 1:02 pm

  10. It seems that enough has been said about the story itself, which I liked. I’ll just say if that’s the worst thing you ever write, you’ll be more than fine. 🙂 The idea of a child dying before a parent is horrific and you told the story well. I struggle whether to post a story or not when I’m not going to be around to read stories and that’s happening Wednesday. We’ll see what happens.

    janet

    sustainabilitea

    May 12, 2014 at 10:47 pm

    • Thanks Janet. Yes, posting when you’re not around to read is a dilemma. It means I usually end up commenting on posts well after the writer has moved on. This week I’ll be reading last and this week’s FF stories, but possibly being a little selective with the former. Will look to see what you decided in a while…

      Sarah Ann

      May 15, 2014 at 12:09 pm

  11. Sad story! I thought you did well with it (though the ‘floating facedown’ was a bit shocking). Maybe when you look at it later, whatever didn’t feel quite right will reveal itself?

    jannatwrites

    May 13, 2014 at 5:56 am

    • Apologies for the shock. I wandered if it was over-played with that line, but seemingly not. I think I need to leave this a while longer for the nagging doubts to dissipate/ issue to be revealed. Trying to catch up now at after four days away (and not doing too well 🙂 !).

      Sarah Ann

      May 15, 2014 at 12:42 pm

  12. Sad and perfectly done.

    yarnspinnerr

    May 13, 2014 at 3:51 pm


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