Sarah Ann Hall

Reporting on writing in progress or, more probably, not.

#FridayFictioneers – 11/4/14 – Mayday

with 35 comments

Every Wednesday Rochelle Wisoff-Fields publishes a photo prompt to inspire writers to write 100-words of flash fiction or poetry.

Every Friday (or before) the Friday Fictioneers post their 100-word tales. Visit Rochelle’s site for the rules on how to join in and check out the other stories by clicking on the blue guy.

 

Mayday (100-words)

Streamers snap. Choirs sing, battling the beeps and whirs of mechanical enticements.

Children dart and squeal in delight.

Adults chatter – ‘Jimmy, get back here!’

The wheezy bleat of an accordion soars.

Feet shuffle over grass; stamp on the dance floor.

Ker-plunk: a coin in a slot.

Pop goes an air rifle. ‘YES! Get in there!’ wins a prize.

Onions sizzle, burgers spit.

The squelch and, ‘Yeugh,’ of a dropped ice-cream.

A joyful cacophony cushions squawking gulls, circling overhead; waiting.

 

Ker-ump.

 

A wave of cordite rolls.

Silence.

Deaf. Blind. Can’t breathe.

Silence.

Bones snap, flesh tears, blood flows.

The screams begin.

 

Friday Fictioneers

 

I’m not happy with this piece. I know what I was trying to do, I don’t think I acheived it. Let me know what you think.

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Written by Sarah Ann

April 11, 2014 at 7:35 pm

35 Responses

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  1. Really? I was having so much fun and just ready for a snack. 😦 Way to drop us in it at the end, Sarah. This is a really small quibble, but in this sentence, “Adults chatter – ‘Jimmy,…”, “chatter” doesn’t seem quite right. Maybe “scold” or “call” or something like that? What do you think?

    janet

    sustainabilitea

    April 11, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    • Sorry, Janet for bringing you down. I agree about the chatter as it reads. I imagined the adults strolling along together talking and one breaking off to have to call back an errant child, which is why I’d gone with chatter. I didn’t want all the adults to be scolding. Will have a think and a read and see what I can do.

      Sarah Ann

      April 12, 2014 at 11:59 am

  2. Good grief, that was horrific! In a good way, of course! Well done…

    freyathewriter

    April 11, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    • Thank you. It’s good to hear it had the desired effect – the words that is.

      Sarah Ann

      April 12, 2014 at 12:00 pm

  3. I could picture the whole scene by the well written words – You are so talented and thanks for letting me read it! Nan 🙂

    Nan Falkner

    April 12, 2014 at 3:18 am

    • Oh thank you Nan for your lovely comment. It is great to know that my writing works when I try something different.

      Sarah Ann

      April 12, 2014 at 12:06 pm

  4. Onomatopoeia. That’s what sprung to mind when i clicked on the link. Reading it with the tweet of the birds outside. Very nicely done.

    subroto

    April 12, 2014 at 4:25 am

    • Thanks for your comment. 🙂 I hadn’t thought of onomatopoeia but I suspect that’s what I was trying to achieve, especially in the first section and the build of noise.

      Sarah Ann

      April 12, 2014 at 3:21 pm

  5. Oh! A great celebration ending in such a sorry note… happens in some places. Wish things would be forever happy & peaceful.

    Anita

    April 12, 2014 at 6:48 am

    • Thanks Anita. I subscribe to your wishes. Whatever people’s reasons and beliefs, I can’t see that damaging the lives of others is ever the answer.

      Sarah Ann

      April 12, 2014 at 12:14 pm

  6. Impressively done – we’re all having fun at the fair and then it turns into a horror! This was me as I was reading: smiling, smiling, grinning, stop smiling, frown, look of horror!

    elappleby

    April 12, 2014 at 8:17 am

    • Thanks for the fulsome feedback – facial expressions are good to know. Me reading yours = big grins and chuckles. But it’s good to hear the horror worked. I worried that paring down so much, it might lose something.

      Sarah Ann

      April 12, 2014 at 12:09 pm

  7. Interesting timing with all the stuff happening around the Omagh bombing. Context aside, the piece works very well.

    patrickprinsloo

    April 12, 2014 at 10:05 am

    • I hadn’t consciously tied into the Omagh case, so I’m glad it works without it. Maybe that’s the power of the subconscious. Pity I couldn’t come up with a more cheery story given the photo!

      Sarah Ann

      April 12, 2014 at 11:55 am

  8. It reminds me of those frequent terror attacks in market places, etc in news. Powerful writing.

    yarnspinnerr

    April 12, 2014 at 2:48 pm

  9. I feel very, very much with this piece to be honest. A gathering of happiness and normality, of fun and games, suddenly turned on its head due to explosions. Is it a war? An attack? It was a horrific twist, but a powerful one.

    Hala J.

    April 12, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    • I had in mind an indiscriminate attack on families enjoying a day out at a festival or fair. Thank you for letting me know it affected you.

      Sarah Ann

      April 14, 2014 at 6:30 pm

  10. loved the imagery. felt like i was there.

    plaridel

    April 12, 2014 at 5:58 pm

  11. horrifying! and the way you delivered it was brilliant and so effective.

    K.Z.

    April 12, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    • Thank you kz. You don’t know how much it means to hear such words from you. 🙂

      Sarah Ann

      April 14, 2014 at 6:27 pm

  12. The screams and cordite.. this changed quickly from joy to horror.. and no one is spared.

    • No one is spared – that’s a very chilling thought to add to the mix. Hopefully most will survive.

      Sarah Ann

      April 14, 2014 at 6:31 pm

  13. AnElephant thinks you achieved it superbly.

    AnElephantCant

    April 12, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    • Thank you, kind sir. (Is that the correct form of address for AnElephant?)

      Sarah Ann

      April 14, 2014 at 6:33 pm

  14. Dear Sarah Ann,

    Just like a terrorist to intrude on a celebration. Get the most bang for the buck as the saying goes. Horrifying. Well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    rochellewisoff

    April 13, 2014 at 10:54 am

    • Thank you Rochelle. Your comment brings home even more the callous disregard for life my story might evoke. I was concentrating on noise so lost sight of any motivation.

      Sarah Ann

      April 14, 2014 at 6:36 pm

  15. Dear Sarah,you really had me-I was happily enjoying a nice stroll and feeling a little sad at the dropped ice-cream when suddenly Kaboom!And the whole scene turned horrific!What a beautifully contrast in the two halves-excellent imagery and I loved the sounds!Sad,that such things are happening everywhere with more frequency than any of us would like 😦

    atrm61

    April 14, 2014 at 8:42 pm

  16. Good but terrifying story with a peaceful beginning and a startling, terrible, and realistic effect at the end. This is why I try to stay away from crowds these days. Well-written story with sights and sounds of a carnival and a bomb.

    patriciaruthsusan

    April 15, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    • I’m sorry you stay away from crowds. I can understand the fear, but feel the terrorists have partially won if we change our behaviour. I’m glad the peice worked for you though.

      Sarah Ann

      April 16, 2014 at 6:41 pm


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