Sarah Ann Hall

Reporting on writing in progress or, more probably, not.

#FridayFictioneers – 7/3/14 – He Who Remains

with 42 comments

Every Wednesday Rochelle Wisoff-Fields publishes a photo prompt to inspire writers to write 100-words of flash fiction or poetry.

Every Friday (or before) the Friday Fictioneers post their 100-word tales. Visit Rochelle’s site for the rules on how to join in and check out the other stories by clicking on the blue guy.

–––––


After running about like a mad thing all week, I’m flagging and the muse is wanting. There is a better ending to this story (and probably a beginning and middle too), I just can’t catch hold of it

 

Copyright - Danny Bowman

Copyright – Danny Bowman

 

 

He Who Remains

(Genre: Science Fiction, 100-words)

The away-party had been gone a week. It was two days since any radio contact.

The sunsets were beautiful, but outside was barren and arid, and he was glad he’d stayed behind.

Had the others found water and made camp? Had the radio batteries run out? Were they on their way back to him?

If he’d gone with them he’d know, but someone needed to stay with the shuttle, to report to HQ on the success or failure of the mission. He liked being alone, safe; with the cyanide, just in case.

What was that noise? Something at the door?

 

Friday Fictioneers

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Written by Sarah Ann

March 7, 2014 at 11:29 pm

42 Responses

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  1. Tantalising end to the story. Nicely done.

    subrotop

    March 8, 2014 at 1:24 am

  2. the fear and paranoia was palpable. and cyanide was a really nice touch. well done. 🙂

    K.Z.

    March 8, 2014 at 2:17 am

    • Why am I not surprised you liked the cyanide? 🙂 Thanks for reading!

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:25 pm

  3. Well written. May peace be with you 🙂

    Gede Prama

    March 8, 2014 at 3:57 am

  4. I think this is a fine story. As to the end, I might lop off that last sentence, but everything else was good. Nicely handled.

    Kind regards,
    MG

    storydivamg

    March 8, 2014 at 4:45 am

    • Yes, lopping the last sentence is the thing to do. Now what do I do with the extra four words? (You don’t have to answer that! 🙂 )

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:26 pm

  5. Love the cyanide, tend to agree, I would have left the closing line perhaps what was that noise, but enjoyed regardless 🙂

    ramblingsfromamum

    March 8, 2014 at 5:01 am

    • Thanks, Jenny. Imagine the last sentence gone. Glad (but worried) you liked the cyanide. 😉

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:27 pm

  6. Dear Sarah Ann,

    I agree with MG. The last sentence could be gone. Aside from that, it worked very well; beginning, middle and end. Good build of tension, complete with cyanide. 😉

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    rochellewisoff

    March 8, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    • Daer Rochelle, Thank you for your comments. I must go back and remove the last sentence. On rereading today I see there is a little more structure than I felt previously. Sometimes we need distance to be able to see. 🙂

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:30 pm

  7. Great piece of drama. Love the cyanide. Can the last line.

    patrickprinsloo

    March 8, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    • Thank you. Any suggestions for where to add four spare words?

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:31 pm

  8. Great build-up of tension

    siobhanmcnamara

    March 8, 2014 at 3:41 pm

  9. Good job!

    JudahFirst

    March 8, 2014 at 5:01 pm

  10. Sounds like he better wait a little before chewing that cyanide.. seems like he was not the bravest in the company…

    • No, definitely not the bravest. I’m not even sure he’s got it in him to chew the cyanide. 🙂

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:33 pm

  11. Nice story. I don’t think they’re coming back…

    draliman

    March 9, 2014 at 5:39 am

    • Thanks. I’m not sure about them coming back. I think the radios aren’t working because everyone thought someone else had the job of cheking, so thy might be safe and well, if incommunicado.

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:34 pm

  12. I hope he doesn’t resort to the cyanide. You painted a bleak picture. Well done, Sarah. I found this one tough myself! But, wait a minute, I say this every week!

    Amy Reese

    March 9, 2014 at 6:09 am

    • Thanks, Amy. I’m glad you got bleak. I’m sure the place in the photo isn’t – my character’s just a bit of a misery. And I tend to struggle each week. It’s very rare inspiration strikes immediately – more’s the pity.

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:39 pm

  13. Loved it… also loved your little prologue, “… I just can’t catch hold of it.” I, too, had a bit of a struggled start with this prompt; glad I wasn’t alone. :>

    Wandering Voiceless

    March 9, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    • Thank you. I wonder if we should have a rating along with our stories – on a scale of 1 (instantly) to 5 (I’m still thinking about it), how easy did your story come with this week’s prompt? Maybe not then! Thanks for the read. 🙂

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:43 pm

  14. Hi Sarah,
    You’ve laid the groundwork here for a longer story and could easily expanding this into an interesting tale. Ron

    bridgesareforburning

    March 9, 2014 at 4:08 pm

    • Now you’ve got me tinking, which is always a good thing. Thanks Ron.

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:43 pm

  15. Ohgod, the suspense! I sincerely hope he won’t have to use that cyanide…

    tinkerbelle96

    March 9, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    • Hopefully not. I think he might blow things out of proportion a bit. He only wanted a desk job when he joined the space corps 🙂

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:45 pm

  16. The terrifying knock on the door!! Sounds as thought he might not be safe after all.

    janet

    sustainabilitea

    March 9, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    • Thanks Janet. Following on from Ron’s comment I might have to investigate further and find out.

      Sarah Ann

      March 10, 2014 at 9:46 pm

  17. A real cliff hanger…

    Sandra

    March 10, 2014 at 10:04 pm

    • Thanks, Sandra. I’m still not convinced by this story though. Maybe a few more words might help…

      Sarah Ann

      March 11, 2014 at 9:07 pm

  18. Oh,this was so frightening-imagine being left alone with cyanide as a last resort-ack!Am out of there and running!Loved the tension you built up Sarah and am glad I am not in his place 🙂

    atrm61

    March 11, 2014 at 10:06 am

  19. Good story. Kind of a cliffhanger ending. I hope everything works out for the best. Well done.

    patriciaruthsusan

    March 11, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    • Thank you for reading and the comment. I’m sure he’ll be fine, if. little lonely.

      Sarah Ann

      March 11, 2014 at 9:02 pm


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